Levels of Disclosure

The amount of disclosure we divulge and the level versus the time is the topic that we discussed today. It allowed me to then start to reflect on what my levels are and what it takes for someone to move from safe levels of disclosure to higher levels and what qualities they must posses before I make my self vulnerable to them. Because that is in fact what we are doing when we disclose personal and private information to someone.

There are several traits or characteristics that I look for in an individual that I may be thinking of letting in and disclosing with.

1. Trust: I must trust that the things we talk about and the discussions we have are going to stay between us. Especially if they are in a personal nature.

2. Compassion: I need someone who is always looking to relieve others of harm or suffering. And I say this because, there are people out there that say they care. But when they talk about you behind your back, or gossip about you, then they do not have compassion for you, they are harming you.

3. Honesty: It takes a strong person to be honest when you go to them with a problem or advice.

4. Unconditional: They do not set conditions on the relationship.

5. Truthful: This one goes in hand with honesty....they will not only be honest, but truthful in that honesty. They won't tell you just what you want to hear.

6. Respectable: How can you confide in someone and trust them if you don't have respect for them.

7. Genuine: No fakes here.....if they are putting up a false front, then they don't have any real interest in you.

8. Sincere.

9. Wholehearted.

This takes time, and with me it can take anywhere between 6 months to 2 years to reach this level. This may explain my "lack" of friends. It is a hard thing in this town to find someone who has these qualities.

Now the complete opposite can happen. You can find someone whom you think has all these qualities, but something happens and you see that one or several of these qualities are compromised. Usually by some action on their part. Then you have to evaluate the relationship and make a decision. Is this something that I see value in keeping and then attempt to mend those qualities that have been damaged. Or do you just cut the ties there, count the losses, and hope that no harm comes from any disclosure that may have happened. And what if this is someone that you have an intimate relationship with? What then? The damage and the possible vulnerability are compromised to an even greater extent.

I am a very private person. I don't disclose a lot about myself to just anyone. Those that are close to me, really only know just the surface. Some have said that I should be more open, and I couldn't disagree more. I know that the amount of my life that I keep private is exactly what I need.

I am glad that I am finally able to discover these things about myself. It is helping me to bring my levels of self into congruency. Bringing my ideal self together with my actual self and understanding why I behave the way I do. And that my behavior is not something that is bad, just different from that which society (specifically, gay men in San Francisco Bay Area) think that you ought to be. Because my actions and the way I choose to live don't fit into your levels of comfort, I do not apologize for them any longer. I am continuing to become extremely more happy with myself, and I regret that you can't appreciate that.