March 29, 2010......Mood

Today has been a challenging day. The more I realize how much of an introvert I really am and what that means in regards to my personality, the better I am able to understand what drives my anxiety up.

Accepting my introversion has been a rather hard task. There are many times I felt guilty for not being out in the crowds or hanging with friends at the bars. I would beat myself up for it and try and change it. Then the times I would make myself go out would be a nightmare and I would usually end up tired and exhausted by the time I was heading home. The small talk was not stimulating due to it's lack of depth and substance.

The thought of striking up a conversation with a stranger is dreadful. The times that I have attempted, the conversation comes out in bits and pieces that rarely make an sense to myself. Trying to find that one common subject that we both can talk about with some sense of substances is a crap shoot. The attempts and failures FAR outweigh the ones that succeed.

Then there is my friends or as some would see it, lack thereof. I don't share my life with just anyone. I am very private and like to keep it that way. I won't open up to just anyone and share my life history with them. I think that a person needs to develop a certain level of trust before I let them in. Even once they have attained that trust, my history isn't just laid out there. I usually prefer them to ask the questions and then I can decide what bits of information to share and at the appropriate time.

As I get older, and as I accept this trait, I have realized that being a introvert is a wonderful thing. I love working on a project alone. The more I think about it the more I realize that I always have. As a child I spent hours in my backyard playing alone. I would make up my own games. I would invent my own adventures. And guess what? I was happy all the time. I can't think of a time when I was a kid and didn't want to be on my own playing. I had great social times with other kids at school, on the playgrounds, in PE class and did extremely will in group activities. I just preferred my alone time. And know I realize it was then that I recharged my mind. Reset my head and spirit from a full day of school and other kids.

Maybe that is what I need to get back to. Get back to my play time.......or maybe I do that already. Is this the reason I go straight to the gym after a full day of class? I don't engage anyone else while I am in the middle of a workout. It is just me, my music, and lots of work and sweat.

I will leave this here for now......I will return to this in the near future.